sometimes i feel like i must be the worst person in the world! met some new people, blah blah blah, feelings later, i agree, then change my mind, and now want out. None of this probably makes sense to you, it doesn't make any to me either. The days float by and i'm still the same. like, i kind of liked you but not in that way alright? i just like talking about music to strangers, and when somebody knows who buddy holly is my heart starts to feel false feelings. I can't explain it. ugh, nothing in life makes any sense. hide my phone from me because sometimes i feel like its a deadly weapon.

now i'm sitting here listening to jack's mannequin which contains too many feelings within it to even begin to explain that mess, and the song changes and its "to the beat of our noisy hearts" by matt nathanson. Music makes me want to move to the city and experience things. Not sure what. I will get back to you.

I suppose none of this will be any big deal by next week, I just dont know why i do these things!

i swear, everytime i play 'hospital beds' by the cold war kids i think of him, and it makes me go searching through facebook to find pictures. He's so beautiful, an as much as I tell myself that him and his crazy hair are not so special, to me they are. They are so special and so beautiful that I cannot forget them. Then I get a feeling in the pit of my stomach like i might die at any single solitary second. I have no idea why I feel so strongly about someone who I never dated. I don't know if he ever liked me, as a friend or as anything more than that. I've been over this for a long time, but every once and a while the feeling creeps back up on me, usually when I'm feeling lonely or overwhelmed. I think he's just some kind of bizarre marker for that point in my life that wasn't so terrible, and when I felt like good things could actually happen to me. A painful, unrequited marker but a marker none the less. I don't know, I guess I just needed to say these things because they've been bothering me for the past day. I've met some new people and these things just seem to come up in my mind. They come up every single time I meet a guy who i have a connection with that I find out later on has a girlfriend. It follows me around like a ghost in winter. I find it out about the recent guy, and then I think of him and how I was or was not led on or maybe hearts just believe whatever they want to, I don't know. I don't know much about hearts I think. But I do think I loved him. or maybe not him but what I dreamt he could be. Maybe I just wanted to believe there were a few good true hearts left in the world.

But, like I said, i don't know much about hearts I think.