sometimes i feel like i must be the worst person in the world! met some new people, blah blah blah, feelings later, i agree, then change my mind, and now want out. None of this probably makes sense to you, it doesn't make any to me either. The days float by and i'm still the same. like, i kind of liked you but not in that way alright? i just like talking about music to strangers, and when somebody knows who buddy holly is my heart starts to feel false feelings. I can't explain it. ugh, nothing in life makes any sense. hide my phone from me because sometimes i feel like its a deadly weapon.

now i'm sitting here listening to jack's mannequin which contains too many feelings within it to even begin to explain that mess, and the song changes and its "to the beat of our noisy hearts" by matt nathanson. Music makes me want to move to the city and experience things. Not sure what. I will get back to you.

I suppose none of this will be any big deal by next week, I just dont know why i do these things!

i swear, everytime i play 'hospital beds' by the cold war kids i think of him, and it makes me go searching through facebook to find pictures. He's so beautiful, an as much as I tell myself that him and his crazy hair are not so special, to me they are. They are so special and so beautiful that I cannot forget them. Then I get a feeling in the pit of my stomach like i might die at any single solitary second. I have no idea why I feel so strongly about someone who I never dated. I don't know if he ever liked me, as a friend or as anything more than that. I've been over this for a long time, but every once and a while the feeling creeps back up on me, usually when I'm feeling lonely or overwhelmed. I think he's just some kind of bizarre marker for that point in my life that wasn't so terrible, and when I felt like good things could actually happen to me. A painful, unrequited marker but a marker none the less. I don't know, I guess I just needed to say these things because they've been bothering me for the past day. I've met some new people and these things just seem to come up in my mind. They come up every single time I meet a guy who i have a connection with that I find out later on has a girlfriend. It follows me around like a ghost in winter. I find it out about the recent guy, and then I think of him and how I was or was not led on or maybe hearts just believe whatever they want to, I don't know. I don't know much about hearts I think. But I do think I loved him. or maybe not him but what I dreamt he could be. Maybe I just wanted to believe there were a few good true hearts left in the world.

But, like I said, i don't know much about hearts I think.

if i left tomorrow, would anyone even care? or notice? sometimes i think i'd be less of a burden on the earth if i just overdosed on benadryl. I'm certain everyone would get over it in .5 seconds.

So you buried all your lover's clothes and burned the letters lover wrote...

... but it doesn't make it any better, does it make it any better?


I haven't written in about 2 weeks, I guess I just haven't had much to say or just haven't felt like saying it. I feel too depressed most of the time to put my energy into anything, especially a blog (my school work has been lacking as well, although I did finish my big paper early) I know that writing will only make me feel better but I guess it's just hard sometimes. The acceptance letters are still sitting on my desk. Ah, why aren't decisions easier?

Onto the positive... May 21-22, I'm meeting my best friend and her equally cool boyfriend in Disney :) I'm staying at the same Disney hotel as them (Pop Century) so it will be easy to coordinate and I can avoid driving (and parking) as much as possible. Should be totally fun :D Also... no need for a designated driver!! I do not drink really, let alone going out to drink, so this should be really fun. Also, me and Stephanie have never gotten to 'go out' together because the last time I was home I wasn't even 21 yet. Anyways, exciting stuff. We are going to MGM studios in the morning and then later on going to Epcot (and eating dinner in mexico). I really am excited for that.

Besides that we are spending Easter at my aunt's house. I really hate Easter, I mean I kind of dislike all religious holidays because I don't believe in them. Maybe hate is a strong word and I don't want to put anyone off or anything, it's just I get religion forced down my throat every possible second by my aunt. Then I'm made to feel like I'm a terrible person for not believing this story or that story. It's not beliefs that make you a good person, it's what you do. I don't force my beliefs, or even talk about them, to my aunt so why doesn't that go both ways? I'm 21, not some child with a moldable brain... I have ideas of my own. That's fine though, I'm over it.

My dad sent me a package of goodies (aka cds) for Easter :D One of them is The Byrds boxset, and another is volumes 1-3 of the bootleg albums by bob dylan (which he already got me but this one has all the neat artwork!). Also a bunch of Cds that he burned which was nice, and a copied photo of my grandfather in his army uniform (HANDSOME!!). Ok, so I think that's really it... I don't know, maybe not. My plans got cancelled... oh, happy day.

Cher

sometimes, i really think i am mental. I'm sitting in my car driving to school today and I realize something: my ipod driving playlist has not progressed from high school. It consists of:

1) Songs that I listened to in high school
2) Songs that remind me of high school


It's weird too. Ben folds doesnt feel the same anymore, or counting crows, or jeff buckley... the music hasn't changed. I guess I've changed though because it doesn't affect me the same. Maybe my heart is blackening? Who knows.

thought of the day

There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women.

~Madeleine K. Albright

Did you know...

that in ancient egypt, if a man divorced his wife he had to pay a fine (to the wife)? But if a woman got sick of her man, she just said bye-bye! no fine!

Cool or what?